Her name was Si Putih.
Si Putih wasn’t my average feline friend.
She was my first fluffy, feline friend.
I was 3 years old when we crossed paths.
Si Putih made her home in the attic of my old house.
Now, don't picture a fancy attic;
it was more like a storage space tucked right above the laundry room.
One day, Ayah called out excitedly from the laundry room.
“Teteh! Ena! Come here!”
We rushed over to find him perched on a bamboo ladder.
“In this attic is a litter of kittens! And there is the cat mom, too!”
Ayah invited me to go upstairs.
Teteh immediately reclined his offer, leaving me alone under that intimidating ladder.
I stood still there.
“Ena! You will like them! Ayah yakin Ena pasti suka!”
Yes I know I like cats. But that rickety bamboo ladder?
Just by looking at it, I knew it was so unsafe it could kill people.
It was like a stairway to heaven a.k.a alam barzah. No kidding.
But the super adorable meows from those newborn kittens made me so curious!
I couldn’t resist.
With cautious steps & Ayah's help, I climbed that ladder.
And there, at the top, I was greeted by a cluster of pure white kittens and their white mom.
It really was a stairway to heaven. No kidding!
Now the word heaven here referred to earthly paradise!
From that moment on, my family decided that Si Putih and her precious babies would call the attic their home (while I called them all MINE!!!)
Si Putih was a domestic cat.
Her fur was entirely snowy-white, except for her tail.
She had a black dot on her tail.
I can't quite recall the color of her eyes, but in my distant memory, they were blue.
I remember I used to invite Si Putih to come into my house.
She would often get stuck in the backyard, near the buckets in the laundry room.
Whenever Si Putih was already inside the house, I always begged Mama to feed her.
Back then, my knowledge about cats’ nutrition was limited...
I thought chicken bones were her food.
Poor Si Putih.
---
One day, disaster struck.
Si Putih disappeared.
She didn’t return home for days.
I remember crying my eyes out like a river.
Fast forward to my teenage years, my parents still remember this moment and they said,
“When Si Putih was missing, you refused to eat.
You said you would eat only if Si Putih came home and ate with you.”
My parents said that I rarely cried as a kid, so that moment remains etched in their memory.
But alhamdulillah, a few days later, Si Putih came back home!!!
I was overjoyed!
I immediately told Ayah that we had to bring Si Putih to our new house.
Ayah & Mama, mindful of my recent heartache, agreed right away.
On the moving day,
Ayah had to make several trips to transport our belongings.
Ayah's car was so small. It was an old Volkswagen Beetle, black in color.
The distance between my old and new house was about 4 kilometers.
I remember the moment when our old house began to feel emptier as we packed our things.
It started to give me some uncomfortable feelings.
Ayah told me, "Na, I'll take Si Putih with me now. But let the kittens stay in the attic.
We'll bring one cat only."
I agreed. I had no special connection with those kittens anyway.
That afternoon, Ayah packed some stuff and drove the car with Si Putih.
But, he soon returned with everything still in the car, including Si Putih.
He sighed, "Na, Si Putih can't sit still in the car. What should we do? I guess we can't bring her.
How about if we let her stay here with her kittens?"
I was speechless...
Too sad to say anything.
But then, Ayah changed his mind once more,
"Or how about if you come with me first? So that you’d know she can't sit still in the car..."
I smiled again and shouted, “IYA! ENA MAU!”
I got into the car, settling in the back seat.
Ayah placed Si Putih on my lap.
Off we went to the new house.
And to my surprise, Si Putih remained calm throughout the ride.
As we made our way to the new house, Ayah couldn't help but keep looking at the rear-view mirror.
He kept laughing, "How is this possible??? Earlier when Si Putih was just with me, she couldn't sit still, she was jumping all around.
But now, with you???? She's very calm! Emang bener Si Putih cuma nurutnya sama Ena aja ya. Berarti dia tau siapa yang sering kasih dia makan."
I felt so happy knowing that Si Putih was truly meant to be my cat.
One core memory was unlocked. It was yellow.
Our new house was way smaller than the old rented house, but it sat right next to my grandma's house, making it more special.
On our first night in the new house, my big sister and I still slept with our parents.
But I couldn't fall asleep & was overwhelmed with stress.
It wasn't until 2 am that I was finally in tears…
I sobbed, "Ayah... Ena mau pulang. Ayo kita pulang, Yah."
Ayah woke up instantly & replied, "Na, this is our new home."
I persisted, "No, it's not. I wanna go home..."
Ayah gently explained, "This is our home, Na. The old house belonged to someone else.
We were just renting it. Now we're gonna live here forever."
Ayah's words didn't calm me down. They added to my worry instead.
It turned out that my sadness arrived a little later than everyone else's.
While others wept earlier this morning during the farewell with the neighbors and the house itself,
my tears didn't flow until the quiet of the night.
I kept thinking about my old house.
But eventually, exhaustion took over. I fell asleep.
The next day, I introduced Si Putih to my cousins who lived in my grandma's house.
They fell in love with her instantly!
They introduced me to their cat, too. I forgot the cat’s name.
But we always had a playdate together with our cats.
Unfortunately, my uncle (my mom’s little brother) who lived in my grandma’s house didn’t like cats.
He scolded us every time we played with our cats in Rumah Nenek.
He said, "One day I will throw those cats away!"
I was so angry with him. I told Mama that he shouldn't have said that.
That 'one day' came in one afternoon.
I just returned home from kindergarten, only to find Si Putih missing.
I cried and yelled and screamed, and convinced that she couldn't have vanished on her own.
Someone must have thrown her away.
And Mama said I was right:
my uncle threw Si Putih away.
I threw a tantrum.
I wished I could throw something else upon him.
Something bigger.
Something more terrifying.
Something that could scare him and keep his hands off my cat.
But I could only throw a tantrum.
One core memory was unlocked. It was blue.
I knew for real that my anger was just a surface emotion.
My anger concealed a collection of deeper feelings: disappointment, sadness, betrayal, vulnerability, fear.
Yes, fear.
Now that I’m already an adult, I know that some adults want some kids to fear them.
And I was indeed so afraid of my uncle because he was taller, older, and way more powerful than my 3-year-old self.
Since he threw away Si Putih (& my cousin's cat, too), I kept my distance from him.
His presence always reminded me of Si Putih’s absence.
But one day (July 7),
literally one day after my birthday (July 6),
I decided to forgive him................... on the day he passed away (July 7, 2021)
roughly 25 years after he threw my cat away.
Maybe it's safe now to call it closure.
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