Saat waktu surut
Aku justru tenggelam sedalam-dalamnya
ke sudut pelupuk matamu
Aku lihat timbunan air
Berjantungkan melodi separuh memori
Lalu aku dengarkan nada yang sama
Detik ke-55 di Casanova
Tapi aku ingat pernah ada matahari di sana
Di ujung senyummu,
tempatku menanam bahagia
Casanova - Adam Green & Binki Shapiro
October 3, 2016
September 2, 2016
The issue that I’m about to bring up in this post is... infidelity. To be really honest, it always makes me wince every time I hear, see, talk about, or watch anything related to that (and I might be the only one person who cried really hard while watching The Intern).
I don’t know how many people have done that. What I know for sure is that it happens everywhere and to everyone. Some happen to ‘take part’ as the doers while the rest are just the doers’ preys.
According to the internet (sorry, these lazy pants of mine are just so comfy that I don’t feel like putting the APA citation in these brackets or in the other brackets you might find in this writing), here goes the history about infidelity:
"The word infidelity actually comes from the word infidel, which means someone who has betrayed or been unfaithful to their religion. It can also simply mean someone who generally lacks faith. Over time, infidelity began to take on a new meaning, and rather than meaning one who has lost his or her faith, it has become symbolic of one who is not faithful to their spouse or lost faith in their marriage.
Today, infidelity is one of the number one leading causes of divorce worldwide. Since the time of the Holy Bible, infidelity has been mentioned. Abraham and Jacob were both written in the Bible as being unfaithful husbands.
Infidelity has been written about in literature for many centuries. From the classic plays of William Shakespeare, to the modern works of Arthur Miller, cheating husbands and wives give creative artists much more ideas to develop drama and fodder for exciting plots. Movies have always used infidelity as a way to create an exciting film, and often murder or other devious deeds ensue.”
See. It’s everywhere. And I can bet that you have more than five relatives/friends who once were or still are cheaters.
(Or probably you yourself are/were also a cheater?)
K. Now let’s just go to the core problem.
WHY DID THAT HAPPEN? WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN? WHY IS IT HAPPENING?
LENGKAP PAKE SEMUA SIMPLE TENSES ANJAY.
The reasons always vary.
- Some of the cheaters will say that they are just bored with the relationships that they want to get out of but they can’t.
- Some say that their partners are too protective; they just want to feel free like Syahrini.
- Some people still think cheating is just one of their prerogatives as an unmarried person before finding and finally choosing the one.
- Some quotes say as if it's because the cheaters just don’t love the partners anymore: “If you really loved her, you wouldn’t have been able to cheat on her. Because she would’ve been in the back of your mind the whole time. It would kill you to hurt her like that. Because if you really loved her, you would know. You would know the nights she would curl up in a ball next to her pillow at night, wondering why the hell she wasn’t good enough.” (WEYYY INI QUOTES ATAU ANTRIAN CHATTIME, PANJANG AMAT).
- ETC (et cetera)
- EGP (emang gw pikirin, boam sama alesan orang-orang)
But, here’s one thing that I want to shout to the world: THOSE ARE JUST ARBITRARY REASONS. They are non-sense. They’ll just tell you the fibs because they don’t want to look/sound unreasonable. It’s also one of their self-defenses for justifying things they knew were wrong but they did it anyway. So please, just keep in mind that:
- Cheating does not have anything to do with the love itself. It is not the kind of an unrequited love. No. If your partner cheats on you, it’s not because they don’t love you anymore or they don’t love you as much as you love them.
- It’s not because of you. “Don’t let someone who did you wrong makes you think there’s something wrong with you. Don’t devalue yourself because they didn’t value you. Know your worth even if they don’t”.
- It is not because of the drabber relationship. It is not about the sparks that are no longer there.
- B.J. Habibie once wrote in his book to his wife who just passed away, “Mana mungkin aku setia padahal memang kecenderunganku adalah mendua, tapi kau ajarkan aku kesetiaan, sehingga aku setia”. This supports all of my arguments above in some ways. And I guess Pak Habibie and I are on the same page about cheating. I also believe that the temptations are always in and around us. Both the possibility and the opportunity for humans to cheat are so clear and present. To cut everything short, I see that the most reasonable root why someone cheats is:
- They just cannot fight back the temptations to cheat.
HOW DO I KNOW THAT I’VE BEEN CHEATED ON?
- If you suspect your partner is cheating on you, you are probably right. I personally believe we all have a natural power that allows us to see the truth even when we have neither evidence nor a slight indication.
- So, at the time you see that your partner is slipping away from you and doesn’t act naturally, check. If it’s hard to check them in the offline world, it’ll be easier if you start checking their social media. If you’re lucky, you’ll get the proofs there. If you’re not lucky, still, DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE RED SIGNALS GOD’S TRYING TO GIVE YOU. Keep your eyes on your partner but don't let them sense that you're watching them attentively.
- But please highlight that you can suudzon to your partner only if you smell the smokes.
HOW IF I ALREADY KNEW I AM THE VICTIM?
So once you know you’ve been cheated on and you’ve got the proofs on your sides, think about these:
1. If they did that unintentionally and you know CLEARLY that it happened ONE TIME ONLY, then just forgive them. Everyone has mistakes. But please, track your partner’s past. Make sure it is just a mistake, not a pattern.
2. If that happened two times, ask yourself: is it actually what's in their baggage but you don’t know or you ignore that? If yes, understand that you're no God that could utter the mantra “kun fayakun” then you could get rid of that particular habit in your partner's life. You know, cheating is mostly, typically, normally not an impulse. It is a sheer habit. And that particular habit, tell you the bitter truth, is enduring. It occurs periodically.
Anything could trigger your partner to repeat what they ever did, even when they’ve been sorry about their own behavior at the moment they are sane. So, if they did it two times, then I’m pretty sure that the cheating habit already lives in a dormant state of their very soul and you will get hurt again in the future as the habit is still alive and is just sleeping for a period of time.
3. If they did it more than 3,4, or 5 times or 10 times, and you already knew that it’s been in their baggage, leave them as soon as possible, not as soon as you’re ready, because you’ll most probably never be ready to bow out, especially when you already get used to their behavior and you are moved with their promises saying that they want to change.
“BUT I LOVE HIM/HER. I STILL WANT TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT!”
To reconcile will always be your choice. But you’ve got to know the actualities about that problem.
- If after all those times, you still wanna stick with your partner, thinking that you can forgive him/her because that shows how much you love him/her, sorry but I guess it’s not love. It's just you being delusional. You probably still have hopes that their apologies and their promises could fix you, while they actually can’t. You’re just living in denial. You know they can never withdraw what they did. You know the pain will stay with you till the end of time. You know unloading cheating habit from its owner is impossible. You know “you cannot be fixed by the same person who broke you”. You know no matter how sweet they treat you when they apologize for what they’ve done to you, how serious they could be when they promise they will change, or even how often they go in purgatory... they will never change and that also means: you will fall to the same pool of pain of being cheated on in no time. Because NOTHING will quench cheaters' thirst of the pleasures they’ve got from cheating.
STOP TRYING TO FIX THE RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR PARTNER.
JUST LEAVE AND FIX YOURSELF.
- Settle down. It's okay to break down in tears. You've got plenty of time to accept the wound. Don't try to heal the wound for it cannot be healed with anything. The scars will stay in your life. Just accept, forgive, and let go of it. And you also need to forgive yourself for letting your own self feel the same pain over and over again.
- Sometimes, you’ll be depressed and will start to compare yourself to the ones that your partners cheated with, but trust me, you’re way better than those people. The fact that they were willing to be the “selingkuhan” somehow reveals that they are just as disgusting as the cheaters. “Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don’t expect it from cheap people.”
HOW TO AVOID THIS KIND OF S#IT IN THE FUTURE?
- Check the baggage BEFORE you make your commitment with a person. In the beginning of your relationship, you might think that cheating habit in the baggage doesn’t weigh you down; that you’re okay with that kind of baggage because it is just a baggage and everyone has it. But, believe me, it doesn't make you worry because you just haven't hit the ground yet, but you will. So, as you see that cheating is a revolving habit, I suggest you to just cut the special bond with the person who used to cheat.
- I wish you good luck and happiness in your love life! *lovestruck*
Label: bridge over troubled water