Stronger Than Ever

ALOHA PEOPLE!!!
I'M BACK!!!
AND THIS TIME, I'M REALLY BACK!!!
I know I had said that last year that I was gonna write again.
But ughhh I got lotsa things to do because I procrastinated and missed my own to-do-list was a hard worker.
But now I'm really back!
I know, I know no one cares about this blog and about my writing.
But I really need to keep writing or else... I'll be dumber than I'm now.
And I know basically I just post to please my ego, as for me, the point of posting is to make myself happy.
You got it?
Ok, I know I just wrote mountains of crap in this paragraph (with no train of thought, too) so lemme just cut the opening off.

Last week (July 6, 2016) ON EID AL-FITR DAY, I TURNED TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD!
What a holy coincidence!

Nothing
---------------------------------------------------------


Ok, so that was the draft I stored in the draft 6 months ago. (I know I wrote the word draft 2 times and I. Do. Not. Care.)
I couldn't remember why I didn't finish writing that post. I can't even remember what I was going to write after the word "Nothing".
Maybe it really is nothing. Just maybe.

In the year of 2016, I feel like I was stronger than ever, both mentally and physically.
But since this is the first post in 2017, lemme start with something else.

For this past one week, I've been redecorating this blog.
I didn't change the header. It's been like that for almost 3 years, and I still love it.
But I started to make categories and I'll explain about that in a whole different post because that's the biggest change I've made so far.
Hahkwhkwhkahak gajelas anyink. Yauda segitu ajadaaaa gw gatauk mau nulis apaan lagi sumpeh susu tumpeh

(Another) Hello!

It’s been more than a year since I left this blog.
Now I’m coming back bringing a new form of myself, the brand-new life in it, and the way I'm letting you in.
Enjoy.

Hello!

(isn't that greeting lame & awkward?)
Okay. I've honestly been staring at my laptop screen for more than 3 minutes, thinking about how I should start with this post for this obsolete blog all over again. I actually had made this blog in 2008 when I was still in senior high school stupid, mushy, and impulsive. I'm not saying that this time I'm one of those knights errant. No. Big no. But I strongly believe that I am now better than who I was years ago. So please just forgive me for delivering you all this pointless post and that mind-numbing greeting.
Today is actually one of those rotten days I've been dealing with myself. Lately, I just realized that my routine is remarkably lethal it's gonna kill me, mentally.
I swear to God I need something fresh, something that can make me feel renewed, something that can put a big smile on my face, something that can infuse me with joy and spirit.
But............. what???
I've already got everything I need. I know I should feel blessed for that, but... still, I couldn't keep myself off from the fact that I'm really bored with my own life.
Gak tau harus apa. Huam. Bosen. Bye!

What? Wait. What?

"If there are words
clawing at your insides,
begging to be heard,
put them down on paper,
and give them to the world."

This is surely contradictory to my previous post.
I'm thinking about it.
I might post something again. Or not. We'll see.

Apparently...

I just came to realize that...
the world doesn't need to know the feelings living beneath my skin or the thoughts spinning round under my skull.

As far as I see...

I’m now in the middle of doing nothing.

And by nothing, I mean my academic journal, which is more like an undergraduate thesis, but way shorter.

And I’m bored. And I’m stuck behind the desk. And I’ve read almost all posts from buzzfeed, my current favorite website.
And I don’t know what I have to do now with my life. Don’t encourage me to see the better life I would have if I could finish my academic journal cause it isn’t gonna workkkghghghkqkqkq on mehhhwhwh.

Seriously, life no longer looked interesting to me at all............................ until about 10 minutes ago I googled the name I made in 2009 for my future daughter. (Oh yes, I do literally count my chickens before they are hatched). It brought a smile on my face cause its meaning is somewhat cool!
You know I’ve always wanted to name my daughter Leffie. Most of my friends said that it sounds like a dog’s name, but whatever.
I used to think it doesn't have any meaning since it's not that kind of name you can find in holy bibles. But this one somehow convinced me that I made a right decision to make Leffie as the name for my daughter.

"Someone who is really obsessive but fabulous and just loves indie & alternative bands while being really tall." (Urban Dict, 2009)

The name Leffie is actually Eiffel spelled backwards. I made that for the sake of my love to Eiffel tower. In my thought, I always see/imagine it as the most beautiful place in the whole world. Never been there but I know it really is beautiful. 

Well, that’s all I can blabber on about my future daughter’s name.

Now what?

New vs Old

Zelamat malam pemirsaaaaaaah yang budiman, berbudi dan beriman!
Gak kerasa nih udah mau abis aja tahun 2013.
Edan.
Sekarang, kayaknya waktu udah gak berjalan lagi.
Waktu berlari. #saelah #kentut

Di awal tahun 2013, gw & Yogi (sahabat gw dari SD) sebenernya udah berniat mau jalan-jalan ke museum-museum di Jakarta.
Tapi gak sempet karena ina inu, & Yogi pun keburu pulang ke Surabaya (doski kuliah di sana).
Akhirnya, kami cuma sempet ke Monas.

Rencananya, sebelum 2013 berakhir, gw pengen banget ngelunasin semua resolusi yang di awal tahun pernah gw bikin.
Salah satunya ya jalan-jalan ke museum.

Teruzhhh, karena gw juga emang lagi pengen nyari suasana baru, gw berniat ganti nama & header blog.
Sebenernya kalo diinget-inget lagi, udah lama banget gw mainan blog.
Dari pertengahan 2008 sampe udah mau 2014.
Pas gw lagi bongkar-bongkar folder foto, gw baru inget dulu header pertama yang gw bikin tuh ini:
Enna Sui.
Iya! Iya! Emang alay banget! Sok-sok-an melesetin Anna Sui.
Huft.
Mana slogannya "express my emotions". -___-
Tapi header ini gak berlangsung lama, cuma sekitar sebulan kayaknya.

Dulu (sampe sekarang sih), karena gw suka banget gambar-gambar yang bernuansa jadul, jadilah header ini di awal tahun 2009.
Dan waktu itu emang udah kepengen dengan nama blog "Whatever". Biar saik jaeee~
 

Tapi header ini juga cuma bertahan 1 hari karena kurang sreg & emang belom selesai juga; gw gak niat bikin.

Sampe akhirnya, di pertengahan tahun 2009, gw kepengen banget punya header yang di dalem tulisannya ada foto gw.
Wakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakak! #keselekbiji #bijiduren
Iya. Senarsis itu ya. Biarin deh.
Terus minta tolong Mutia buat mewujudkan ide gw tersebut.

(Foto harus gw hapus karena saat itu gw belum pake kerudung)

Dulu susah bray bikin beginian di sotosop bisa 3 jam.
Sekarang mah aplikasi di smartphone bisa bikin hal serupa dalam waktu sekejap saja! #huft

Terus, di bulan September 2009, gw ganti blog, ke blog yang sekarang ini.
Dan gw bikin sendiri header baru lagi.

Kalo yang ini emang masa dimana puncak-puncak kelabilan Ena Djuanda Cihuahua sedang berkobar di udara!
Nulis seenak jidat. Ngamuk kalo ada yang copy-paste tulisan/foto.
Sekarang mah kalo ada yang mau ambil tulisan/foto gw silahkan bae. Gak peduli, buaji~

Akhirnya, setelah bosen dengan kelabilan gw sendiri, sekitar bulan November 2011, gw ganti header lagi.
Dan ganti nama jadi Breathe Think Write.

Fyi aja, ini header dibikin di paint karena laptop gw waktu itu gak ada sotosop.
Nah, rencananya, sebelum 2014, gw mau ganti header lagi karena yang ini kayaknya terlalu mellow.
Tapi belum kepikiran mau ganti jadi apaan.
Terus, sebelum 2014, gw juga mau ngeluarin beberapa draft yang udah lama gw tulis.

Jadi, mari bantu gw berdoa semoga semua rencana-rencana kecil sebelum tahun baru ini bisa terpenuhi! :-)

Pengumuman!

Kalo diliat-liat lagi (auk sapa yang mau ngeliat), ini blog isinya gegalauan doang yes.
Seharusnya sih, kalaupun galau, kontennya tetep bisa & kudu berguna.
Kalo gak berguna, mendingan ditaro di draft aja atau sekalian di buku diari yang ada gembok ciliknya.

Nah... Maka dari itu, pemirsa...
Mulai hari ini, saya, Anisastrowardoyo, memutuskan untuk mulai nulis atau bagi-bagi tulisan yang bisa berguna bagi nusa dan bangsa yang juga turut didukung oleh nilai-nilai Pancasila dan keagungan semesta raya. #KEMUDIANMENCRETDICELANA

Udah, gitu doang. Gw yakin sih, kalo pengumuman macem begini nongol di mading sekolaan, pasti udah disobek-sobek sama siswa-siswi setempat buat dijadiin bungkus softex atau tempat gorengan!

20

When I was four or five, I thought I was gonna get married at the age of twenty. Haha! So silly.
But…
It always pleases me to laugh at what I’ve done in the past.
Can you feel that, too?
That when you laugh at your past, you feel that you’re becoming a better person?
That when you laugh at your past, you see how stupid you were to cry over something that didn’t have big impacts to your future (well that future is now your present, right)?
That when you laugh at your past, you know how innocent you were to believe to hypocrites?
And you probably will feel like going to the Nobita’s bedroom, get in to his drawer, and meet yourself in the past to slap your own face and scream, “This won’t affect your future! Stop crying! Stop doing something useless! Get back to work and be happy!”
Have you ever felt that, too?
Because I, most of the time, have.

I’ve stopped regretting about something I’ve done in my past.
I prefer accepting it.

I’m officially 20 years old.
Without listening to Lily Allen’s song, I’ve already known that everybody is changing.

D

You're always trying to bury it deep down so that no one can smell it.
But I saw you.
I saw you digging that hole.

20

Kurang dari 2 bulan lagi gw bakal jadi anggota paguyuban manusia-manusia berkepala dua. Banyak hal yang mau gw capai, dari mulai hal-hal sepele, sampe hal-hal yang agak gak realistis tapi gw tetep optimis.

Jadi gini, meskipun nama gw Anisa Fajrina yang jelas-jelas diambil dari surat An-Nisa dan Al-Fajr di Al-Qur’an, sejujurnya, gw bukan tipe anak solehah yang rajin mengaji ataupun solat lima waktu setiap hari.
Tapi gw juga gak bejat-bejat amat dan masih mikirin akhirat.
Nah, sebelum umur gw 20 tahun, gw punya misi buat khatam Al-Qur’an.
Lebih pengennya lagi gw bisa hafal surat An-Nisa & Al-Fajr, biar kalo lagi di bus ketemu cowok kece, gw bisa pamer ala-ala Maria di Ayat-Ayat Cinta, “Fahri, aku hafal surat Maryam".
(Kemudian tadarusan di dalam bus sambil bagiin amplop).

Hal lain yang mau gw capai ya lumayan nyeni: teater & fotografi.
Dan ternyata, gw baru sadar, selain masih susah bedain mana ketoprak mana lontong sayur, gw juga emang anaknya susah banget bagi waktu.

(Intermezzo dikit, gw jadi keinget cerita tentang si Mando. Doi gak bisa bedain mana Logan Lerman mana Morgan Freeman! Hahahaha!)

Buat sekarang-sekarang ini, itu aja yang mau gw capai.
Walau halangan rintangan semakin panjang membentang, tak jadi masalah dan takkan jadi beban pikiran.

I've just deleted some posts.
I myself didn't know why.
I occasionally thought I should delete this blog, too.

Let It Be

"You are only a teenager. You are not yet married, so go with the flow, laugh tons, use manners, and try something new.
Trust your feelings, spend your cash, introduce yourself, and regret nothing.
Don't laugh at people's dreams, challenge yourself, take pictures and appreciate the memories.
You should make time to dance in your underwear and learn from the past.
Play dress up and then take all your clothes off.
Have the time of your life."

Because I believe that life is short, I'd better let it be. Be happy.

I passionately feel like having 'let it be' permanent tattoo on my left wrist.
Bukan cuma nulis pake pulpen dan ditebelin setiap hari.
Tapi katanya nanti dosa, nanti susah dapet kerja, nanti keliatan kayak cewek badung, nanti ini, nanti itu, nanti lalalala.
Huh, yasudahlah.

Sekarang gw udah kuliah dan lagi sibuk-sibuknya ngerjain tugas sekaligus belajar buat UTS.
Gw masih tetep kayak dulu, gak pernah bisa konsen belajar di kelas.
Guru Dosen ngejelasin, gw bengong atau kadang-kadang ngobrol.
Bedanya, kalo kuliah udah gak bisa tidur di kelas lagi dengan ngomong ke temen sebangku, "kalo ada gurunya, bangunin gw ya".
Udah gak ada yang namanya temen sebangku.
Duduknya bebas, boleh dimana aja, asal bukan di meja dosen.

Gw berangkat kuliah dianter om gw atau naik ojek.
Pulang naik angkot atau kadang dijemput sama bokap. Sering juga nebeng temen.
Perjalanan pulang gw dari kampus ke rumah pasti ngelewatin stasiun.
Gw suka suasana stasiun, bikin keinget sama Hogsmeade Station atau King's Cross Station.
Walaupun sebenernya sih beda banget.

Well, I guess I should go back studying!
I promise I'll tell you more about my new life at university later!

You & I

University entrance tests always bother my mind.
I don't see any color but yellow.

My Head's Spinning Round in Circle.

Detik-detik menjelang UAN tuh rasanya sama banget kayak naik kora-kora.
Sama-sama bikin adrenalin terpacu sampe jantung jadi cetar-cetar.
Sama-sama bikin pengen teriak "AAAAAAAAAAA! Udah! Udah! Gak kuat!".
Sama-sama bikin pengen muntah.
Bedanya, kalo naik kora-kora kan muntah karena kenyang angin.
Kalo detik-detik mau UAN, kenyang rumus.

Pokoknya mah...
Mohon doanya yak, dibantu yak, bim salabim bisa lulus prok prok prok.

Complaining

Kalo lagi capek atau lagi ada di titik jenuh buat belajar, gue lebih suka main laptop atau tidur.
Tidur itu lebih baik daripada ngeluh.
Tidur gak bikin dosa. Tidur bikin sehat. Tidur ngilangin stress.
Ngeluh cuma bakal nambah beban hidup. Hidup terasa lebih berat.
Kalo nggak suka ngelakuin sesuatu, gak usah dilakuin daripada ujung-ujungnya cuma ngeluh.
Enggak, gue gak butuh mimbar ataupun mic. Gue gak lagi ceramah kok.
Gue cuma mau berbagi kisah nyata.
Gue (kurang lebih) udah setengah tahun ini nyoba buat nggak ngeluh.
Dan ternyata, gue bisa sedikit buat nggak ngeluh.
Mau tau tips anti ngeluh dari akyu?
Caranya gampang kok, ketik ENA (spasi) CANTIK, kirim ke 9898.
Oke, jayus. Balik lagi ke topik hidayat.
Caranya gampang kok raket net bultang.
Coba deh pelan-pelan buat ngilangin kata-kata "Aduh!", "Ahelah!", "Ah!" di dalem hati, pikiran, dan atau di twitter.
Atau apapun kalimatnya yang bersifat keluhan yang ada di dalem pikiran kita, make it less.
Lama-lama kita bakal terbiasa buat nggak mengeluh.
Dan akhirnya kita bisa tumbuh dewasa menjadi pribadi yang berguna. #TSAAAAHELAH

Ini ada beberapa kalimat (sources) yang mungkin bisa ngebuka pikiran kita lebih luas lagi:
Disaat kamu lelah dan mengeluh tentang pekerjaanmu...
Pikirkan tentang pengangguran, orang-orang cacat yang berharap mereka mempunyai pekerjaan sepertimu.
Sebelum kamu mengeluh tentang rasa dari makananmu,
Pikirkan tentang seseorang yang tidak punya apapun untuk dimakan.

Sekian tips dari gue.
Selamat mencoba! Selamat beraktivitas! Salam olahraga!

Y?

Why the heck do you do anything without thinking of my feeling?
Why don't you try to set your mind good?
Why don't you try to put your feet on my shoes?
So that you'll know whether it hurts or not.
You'll know whether you should step forward or walk away or just stand up tall and do nothing.
You'll know whether you should pipe up or stfu.
You'll know whether you should keep breathing or take yourself for a ride.
Why don't you try to put yourself on my shoes?
Why?

Uprax

Alhamdulillah, ujian praktek udah selesai hari ini.
Details...

OLAHRAGA, blip test, lari bolak-balik pake nada TENUT TONENET, "start level 2 blabla..."

BAHASA INDONESIA, phidhatho.

BAHASA INGGRIS, written test & oral test, ada banyak macemnya. Written test gue disuruh ngejelasin Cycle of Rain. Oral test, gue kedapetan (katanya sih spoof text, padahal itu cerita jayoes mampoes) tentang kucing mati on the roof.

BIOLOGI, respirasi hewan, praktek ter-suram.
Gue: Nar, jangkrik tuh terbang gak sih?
Danar: Enggak kok, cuman loncat.
Akhirnya setelah gue memberanikan diri buat megang jangkrik, dan jangkriknya malah gue pencet, dan jangkriknya ngeluarin cairan kuning-kuning, dan akhirnya gue tutup lagi cawan petri sambil gemeteran, dan akhirnya gue minta tolong Danar buat masukin jangkrik ke respirometer.
Penderitaan belum selesai sampe disitu.
Praktek respirashit itu harus megang jarum.
Pertamanya, gue kira itu jarum bohongan kayak jarum yang dijual di abang-abang TK.
Gak taunya, jarum beneran...
Telen ludah dulu yuk akh...
Tangan gue gemeteran parah pas megang jarum.
Bu Rosita: "Tenang nak, kamu taro dulu jarumnya, jangan gemeteran gitu, tenang."
Bu Mistik: "Iya tenang nak."
Gue: *nada pasrah* "Iya bu..."
Gue: *dalem hati* "GIGIMU TENANG! INI JARUM KALO KETUSUK KE TANGAN GUE, CAIRAN EOSIN MASUK KE BADAN GUE, APA KABAR DUNIA?"
Intinya, percobaan biologi gue, gatot. Terserah mau ngartiin gatot itu apa.
Boleh, gagal total. Boleh juga, gagal *sensor*.

TIK, bikin mail merge, dibantuin Filda 80% hahaha.

SENI RUPA, gambar perspektif bikin bayangan yang njelimet tingkat dewa bujana. Pokoknya mah gak ngerti massal, nyontek massal, keringetan massal, bantu-bantuan massal, duduk satu kursi berdua massal, pinjem-pinjeman spidol massal.

FISIKA, pengukuran. Gue gak bisa bedain mana itu tembaga, mana itu aluminium, mana itu besi.

AGAMA, ngafalin surat-surat segambreng.

KIMIA, indikator asam basa, netes-netesin cairan gitu sampe cairannya jadi warna-warni, ini paling asik hahaha.

Kelar.


Ohya, ini ada foto pas ujian praktik olahraga, blip test.



Ini semua foto yang gue ambil setahun yang lalu.
Yang lagi uprak blip test itu bukan angkatan gue, tapi kakak kelas angkatan 2010.
Waktu itu di kelas gue lagi gak ada guru, guru-gurunya lagi pada ngawas uprak.
Akhirnya semua anak-anak keluar kelas & nontonin aktivitas yang ada di lapangan.

Time flies so fast. Bahkan, menurut gue, terlalu cepat.
Gak kerasa, posisi gue sekarang udah ada di posisi kakak kelas gue tahun lalu.
Terlalu banyak kata "perasaan baru aja..." dan "tau-tau..." di otak gue.
For instance, "Perasaan baru aja MOS, tau-tau udah mau lulus aja."
"Perasaan baru aja nontonin kakak kelas uprak blip test, tau-tau sekarang gue yang uprak."
And so forth.

Yang ada di dalem pikiran gue pas lagi uprak & pas lagi ngetik ini,
"Mungkin, ada adek kelas yang lagi nontonin gue dan temen-temen gue dari lantai atas, as I did a year ago. Dan mungkin, tahun depan, bakal ada adek kelas yang bakal posting tentang ujian praktik itu, as I'm doing now."

Dear, myself.

You always make mistakes.
You always take the wrong meaning from everything.
You always have too much state of expecting.
You always count your chickens before they hatch.
You always make decisions mistakenly.
You will always be you, an empty-headed girl.

I'm Feeling Under The Weather

Bersyukurlah kalian para lelaki yang gak pernah ngerasain sakitnya menstruasi.
Sakitnya itu, gak bisa dijelasin pake kata-kata.
Hari ini gue tepar di UKS udah sambil nangis, perut kayak ditusuk tusuk jarum, cekit cekit cekit cekit.
Akhirnya pulang ke rumah.
Mama ngebeliin minuman ini. Ada yang pernah minum juga?
Gue rasa seharusnya minuman ini namanya "Sari Asem Ketek".
Karena rasanya itu emang bener-bener hasyeeeeeeeeeeem!
Tapi alhamdulillah deh, setelah minum ini, sakitnya rada berkurang.

Ada kabar lain yang gak kalah gak pentingnya dari sakit perut jahanam itu, gue punya kucing.
Kucing ini udah hampir 2 bulan sering main ke rumah gue.
Dikasing nama Emeng sama bokap gw karena kalo meong-meong minta makan suaranya kayak ngomong "emeng".

Kemarin, pas dia lagi meong-meong, gue cariin di gudang gak ketemu.
Gak taunya lagi diatas genteng.
Tampangnya ngocol ya?